How do you handle a situationship where one person is sending mixed signals?

Dear Christina,

How do I get clarity from someone who's sending mixed signals? Somebody that is showing up like a boyfriend but won't clearly define the dynamic. When I ask him, he gets avoidant. How do I get him to open up?

-Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Thank you so much for writing in. This is a situation that many people find themselves in. I’m sorry that you’re going through it; I know it’s difficult. I also know that there’s meaning, power, and purpose in your going through it, and for that I am grateful.

In the free coaching video I created for you, I unpacked some of that meaning, power and purpose for you. I also ask you to ponder some tough questions, like, Why would I want to be with someone who can’t give me clarity when I ask for it? Clarity is kindness and respectful. There may not be any malice in his inability - it may just be his programming - but it’s still an important question for you to answer for yourself. Further, it’s also important that you analyze why you need clarity. Are you trying to control the unfolding of the relationship? Do you feel anxious without clarity? Are you trying to control the timeline or him? Or have you just never had the conversation with him about what you’re both looking for (commitment, marriage, casual, etc) so you’re unsure if you’re wasting your time, or if you’re on the same page about where things could go (so the insecurity you feel is “rational” since you’re not on stable ground).

Sometimes, people will accept less than they deserve, hoping what’s in front of them will blossom into something more in the future. This is a classic way that we set ourselves up for suffering. His inability to give you clarity is a sign of where he’s at; it may also be an answer too, believe it or not. What you have to decide is whether that’s the kind of communication you want in a relationship, and the kind of communicator you want in a partner.

(Note: In the coaching video, I also hold space for the fact that he may just be afraid to speak his truth (or not know how) so I offer a suggestion for how you can share your feelings in a way that comes from an open heart, is not loaded, and provides an opportunity for you both to create a safe space for emotional intimacy and partnership growth/depth to occur (if it’s meant to).)

I used to avoid asking the “what are you looking for” question myself because my programming had me too afraid to hear the answer. I didn’t realize at the time that I was setting myself up to suffer. I didn’t realize that the act of not asking meant that I was betraying myself and my worth, that I was turning my back on myself and my own needs, and that I was not being my own best friend. Once I went through my growth journey, I realized that not asking was one of the most unkind things I could do to myself, and the other person, tbh. I realized that if this person didn’t want the same future as me, I wanted to know on the first date because there was no point in a second date. I realized that time and energy are two precious resources that I possess, and I cannot recover my time once I spend it. I realized that my energy was too precious, too perfect, to pour into a vessel that had a hole in it and that I needed to respect my energy, respect myself, and trust that the man for me would have the same vision of the future as me. I decided many years ago that I’d simply wait for him. And while I waited, I’d keep growing into being the kind of partner I wanted to meet, and I’d keep healing all the places within me that prevented me from being in alignment with the man of my dreams. I knew I had a heck of a lot of healing to do - my self-hate was deep and my self-worth was next to nothing so the only kind of men I could have attracted was one who couldn’t love me or see my worth as well. So I chose to be single; I hadn’t become who I wanted to be yet, and I didn’t want to attract someone who wouldn’t be able to meet me at my wholeness and my highest and best self - because that meant he wouldn’t be at his best either.

I share this with you because if you've attracted a man who can’t commit to you, it may be because you can’t commit to yourself either. What I mean by this is that if you can’t be your own best friend and treat yourself like you are worth the most precious, kind, and loving treatment, then a man cannot step in the fill that void. We don’t manifest what we want; we manifest what we are. If you’re willing to accept poor treatment, then poor treatment is what you’ll get. It took me SO many years to figure this out. But I’m so grateful I did.

Anyway, I could write a book for you, but I’d really like you to watch the video, so here’s your video (below). Before you watch it, I just want you to know how much I love and respect you for writing in. It is hard to bear witness to our pain and ask for support, and I honor your willingness to get it. Recording these free coaching videos for people fills my heart with so much joy and so much peace because it means that I’m living the mission God gave me. He gave me great pain to overcome in my life, and even though living it was hard, there was not a day that went by that I wasn’t grateful for the knowing that after I healed myself, I could help others heal themselves as well. Our pain is always purposeful and guides us to the places within where we are wounded and ready to heal. And as we heal ourselves, we release the pain; we take in more light, and then we illuminate the path for others to follow. The man you’re in a situationship with ... he’s bringing you the gift of your own healing. Tap into the places where you’re wounded and choose to heal. Doing so will bring you the clarity you seek, and it will bring you peace. Healing is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, him, and humanity.

I’m blessed to know you exist in the world. Here’s your video:

I hope you know that I believe in you so much and I believe in your ability to have powerfully loving and safe relationships and I wish this for you.

If you'd like to write back in, please do so. You've got this and I've got you.

With love, gratitude, grit, and grace,