My Current Partner is Struggling With My "Baby Daddy" Issues. How Do I Navigate This?

Dear Christina,

Today I got into an altercation with my daughter's dad. He was upset because I didn’t want to let him into my house. He had bailed on me last night, which forced me to flip my entire schedule to pick up our daughter, and when he showed up today, he just walked in and started raiding my fridge. I asked him to leave and wait downstairs, and in the middle of all that, he told me I was acting like a hoe in front of our daughter.

Granted, I don’t think our daughter knows what that means, and I didn’t react. I just waited in my kitchen until she was ready so he could take her. After that, I was venting about everything to my boyfriend. I know he feels helpless about the situation, and he’s also out of town right now, but I’ve been having a really hard couple of days because of my daughters dad.

My boyfriend told me that my baby daddy is starting to piss him off and that he can’t hear about these things for a little while. He said he just needs a break from it. I don’t really know how to feel about that, because this is real life and there are going to be times when my relationship with my daughters dad is just really bad. There are moments when he disrespects me, and it does affect me. And now I can’t help but feel like maybe one day my boyfriend is just going to wake up and decide it’s too much and he doesn’t want to be in a

relationship with me anymore. I feel like a burden because I have these problems but I also feel like holding them all to myself isn’t healthy for me either.

-Margerite

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Dear Margerite,

Thank you for writing in and sharing with such detail. The more detailed you are in what you write in, the more detailed I can be in my response.

Being true to who I am, I've flipped the problem on its head so that you can see all of your opportunities to learn, heal, and grow with this situation. Remember, everything happens for a higher reason, a higher purpose. Our greatest gifts come when we search for the meaning and find it. 

Nothing happens us, everything happens us. 

Below are a few of the high-level growth opportunities I tapped into when recording your free coaching video:

1) building stronger boundaries with your daughter's father so that he no longer has the power to affect you and your current relationships

2) recognizing that the only reason your ex can affect you and your current relationship is because you are unconsciously letting him (because of the patterns and programs you are running - ones you don't yet realize you can change)

3) honoring your current relationship by learning how to do the work to heal yourself in respect to the wounds that your ex is bringing up so that you're in your power with it and not asking or needing your current partner to rescue or fix you

4) The difference between being a burden and bringing a heavy burden to the party

5) Respecting and honoring the healthy boundary that your current partner brought to the dynamic when he shared that he couldn't take it on right now - and not reading it through the lens of pain, but rather through a neutral lens with objectivity.

Now, I know in our society, most people would say that your boyfriend is being insensitive and unsupportive, and he likely is a bit because it sounds like he shared what he shared from a reactive place rather than from a place of sharing what his true feelings were and his limitations. That's why your pain from your past (fear of being a burden) and your defenses kicked in a bit (fear he'll leave - you likely even wondered if you should leave first!). His defenses triggered your defenses.

That said, you both can right this ship if you start to do the work to heal from the wounds your ex is bringing up and you and your boyfriend develop a way of communicating that allows you to express what's coming up with a desire to share, and without the other person taking it personally. Your boyfriend could have said something like this, "hey babe, I have to tell you, I'm feeling really triggered right now and I'm not 100% sure why. I know that I feel helpless and like I'm unable to protect you, and I also feel angry because there's another man in our space that's affecting you and our happiness together. I'm really struggling and I need to figure out how to process this so that I know what I'm really feeling and how I can best honor myself and support you as my partner. I love you and I'm not going anywhere. We'll figure this out together."

And you could have said something like this,"hey babe, I know I've been sucking up a majority of the emotional energy in our relationship with my pain and another man's junk these past few days. I'm sorry about that. I also know that I have to develop healthier boundaries with my ex so that I can protect myself, my happiness, and our relationship. Another man should not have that kind of power or control over me and that's my bad for allowing it to happen. Thanks for sharing with me that you were at capacity. You sharing that definitely triggered my fears from the past of being a burden or the person I love leaving me when things get tricky. I don't think that's what you were saying, but please let me know if that's what you're thinking. I also know I don't want to knowingly bring burdens to our relationship - ones I can control by no longer letting my ex have that kind of power of me/us. I'll intentionally work to heal these parts of me that have given my power away to him and I ask for your love, patience, and support as I do so. Thank you for not trying to take my pain away ... so that I can heal.  I love you and I'm grateful you love me too."

Can you see how in these examples, each person is owning their crap? Each person is honoring what's coming up, while simultaneously leaning into their partner, leaning into the love. I know it's way easier said than done - especially in a triggering moment - but implement the Power of the Pause when you're triggered. Take that step back. Look inside, feel your feelings, heal yourself and then engage in the conversation. 

Here's the reality, blaming your ex will only keep you stuck in the same patterns you've been living in. Your ex is giving you the gift of your own healing. Every time he does something to trigger you, he's giving you the gift of seeing a place within you that needs some TLC - TLC that only you can give yourself. It's also showing you a place where you're ready to heal. Let your ex bring forth the lessons that your soul is ready to learn. Let him be the teacher who helps you develop the muscle of having healthy boundaries and no longer letting other people, places, or things control your thoughts, feelings, relationships, experiences, or life. Let him be the guide who teaches you this. And don't vent the power away to others without also doing the inner-work. Protect your present and future peace by venting into your journal and asking these questions "What am I being guided to learn? Where am I being invited to heal and grow?" Finding out why this is happening in your life (why it's in movie), will guide you to the places within you that you're ready to shift. 

Can you imagine a day in the not so distant future where your ex no longer affects you emotionally? Where he doesn't have the power to control your mood or your day - no matter what he says or does? Where he doesn't take up any energy in your space or in your relationships? What a beautiful day that will be. If you do the self-work to heal, it's guaranteed. Him being who he is, will become like a fruitfly - a bit annoying but no big deal. He's a person in pain and one day you'll be able to see him as just that and have compassion, mercy and love for him while standing in your power surrounded by your lovingly healthy boundaries, and in a wonderfully nurturing relationship.

I'm so grateful you wrote in. Here's your free coaching video:

If anything doesn't make sense or if something else comes up, feel free to write back in and tell me what's up. 

You've got this and I've got you. Thanks for being willing to level-up in life; you deserve it and the world needs you to.

With love, gratitude, grit, and grace,